Chemistry or Trauma Bonding?

Have you ever felt an instant spark with someone, or experienced an unexplainable bond? It’s sometimes just very easy to be with someone, or sometimes, even if it is not, you want to make it work. There’s just something about them, something between you two, perhaps you can’t explain, but you feel it, and it shows. Someone might see and say that these two have great chemistry. However, sometimes this chemistry comes at a cost; sometimes it takes a dark turn. There are so many good times, shared between the two people, but those might be coming at heavier costs. It might be getting toxic, it might be getting traumatic. So how does one know if it is chemistry or something else?

What Is Interpersonal Chemistry?

Chemistry develops or is felt with the interaction of two or more people. When we talk about chemistry, we generally refer to the strong feelings of connectedness between two people, perhaps a couple or partners. This chemistry can look like anything from just being in the presence of each other, to not being able to spend time apart at all.

According to the Interpersonal Chemistry Model, given by Reis and colleagues, the chemistry between two people is made of perceptions and behaviors, i.e. how two people feel and behave with each other. For example, when there is chemistry between two people, there might be unnoticeable internal changes, such as a strong appreciation for someone, or a desire to be around them, as well as external changes, like maintaining eye contact longer, unknowingly mimicking and syncing facial expressions and body gestures.

Having chemistry with someone feels good… at least initially. But how to know if it isn’t perhaps trauma bonding?

What is Trauma Bonding?

A relationship may be getting very toxic, but it still might feel impossible to move on. There may be some excellent moments together, both the partners may gel so well, and there may be amazing chemistry between them; still, it never feels like true happiness. Could it be chemistry or a trauma bond instead?

One may be able to start recognizing the trauma bond in times of conflict, it gets so bad that it is almost the end of the relationship, however, things might then return to the usual and seem almost ‘normal’. As nothing happened. Sadly, however, this calm doesn’t last long, and the fights next time bring back all the previous memories and get even more intense. But again, the feeling of needing to be with the same person again becomes intense too, for some reason, you feel like you just can’t ‘quit’, as if it is a drug. And it could rightly feel so because research has shown that a Trauma Bond is a chemical bond created by the intermittent release of stress hormones and pleasure hormones caused by the hot and cold nature of the interactions between the two partners.

One may become used to the highs and lows which quite literally change the way your brain/body functions. When pleasure is predictable in our relationship, our brain anticipates less and hence releases less dopamine over time and the relationship can begin to feel “boring.” Whereas when pleasurable moments are few and may be followed by unfavorable, unpleasurable moments, then our brain keenly anticipates the good times, and as a result, our connection to our partner gets strengthened. This is proven by research done by psychologist B. F. Skinner and is known as an inconsistent schedule of rewards. An inconsistent schedule of rewards - not knowing when a pleasurable outcome will be received - is understood to create better bonds than a consistent schedule of rewards - i.e. being able to predict when a pleasurable outcome will be received. This is what is known as a “trauma bond.” Perhaps that is what makes it so much more difficult to sever a trauma bond.

As the situation continues, the individual will begin to give up and show signs of this learned helplessness, i.e., a state of acknowledging the trauma bonding as the only way to live, and perhaps not knowing a way to get out. This might be what separates real chemistry from trauma bonding. In the case of healthy chemistry, there may be room for resolving conflicts, and addressing differences, however, in the case of trauma bonding, the individuals might either just get into patterns of hot and cold or shut down completely. It may be of benefit to recognize the signs and address such trauma bonding, before reaching a stage of helplessness.

Signs Of Trauma-Bonding To Look Out For

The Cold Shoulder

Your partner may disappear all of a sudden, without confronting what went wrong. With the advent of relationships going online, this may look like being ghosted. This may lead to triggering emotions of feeling abandoned and not knowing what went wrong. One may end up going into self-blame and self-doubt, only to be rescued again by the partner showing up again all of a sudden after some time. This might become a pattern, or sometimes a one-off incident of giving silent treatment that might never be truly addressed.

Breadcrumbing

Another sign of a trauma bond taking shape is a phenomenon called breadcrumb. This has become very common in the online dating space where a person may keep making promises to you that may never be fulfilled. For example, a plan might be made with great fervor only to be canceled at the last moment. So, in all, the person might not let you go, might even express their love or liking toward you, but it could just never be enough. The moments of waiting might outnumber the moments seen through.

The Rollercoaster Ride

The rollercoaster ride can seem very exciting, and extremely thrilling when it starts.. but what if the rollercoaster never stops? Would you enjoy it still, or would you end up feeling sick after a while? A rollercoaster of a relationship can also seem very thrilling when it starts, one may even begin to start to appreciate how the day was saved. You may hear yourself saying that I was just about to end it, but you know what, my partner showed up at my doorstep with a fabulous bouquet of all the flowers that I love.

However, the same night the partner might again be mad at you for a call from a colleague that you received on your date, and might even put allegations of something going on between you and the colleague. Ridden with guilt, your partner might plan a holiday with you again, saying they just can’t live without you, but then again might threaten to call off the trip saying they just can’t stand you. The rewards of flowers, dates, and trips might sound exciting at first but then might just become tiring… maybe because you might know what’s coming next. The highs may always be followed by the lows; consistency would be lacking.

Controlling Love Language

There is an ongoing debate about how much jealousy in a relationship is healthy; it is essential to understand that for your relationship. The trauma bonding might start with the endearing instances of your partner being possessive about you but soon might transform into a more aggressive, more controlling demeanor. So much so that you might end up giving up on your old friendships, your old hobbies and interests, and sometimes even your family for this new person. This need for control might signal some deep-rooted insecurities within the person, and might lead to trauma bonding, instead of a healthy relationship, or one might also say that the relationship might become very toxic.

Gaslighting

Your partner might remind you that they are there for you, especially because you would need them in your life. They might be there to protect you because you are incapable of fending for yourself. In one way or the other, your partner might remind you of their value, instead of yours. This might make you cherish their existence in your life even more. However, this might go on to a point where you might start doubting yourself, or the things you said, simply because it doesn’t fit with your partner’s narrative. You might end up becoming more and more dependent and attached to your partner, only to later realize that perhaps that’s not always who you were. Even though initially it might have meant a safe space, you might end up noticing that the space is becoming more and more toxic, and more often than not you end up questioning yourself, even though the relationship and your partner seem perfect.

Afraid of Being Alone

Whereas almost everyone may be confronted by the fear of being forever alone at some point in their lives, it could not be the only reason to continue a relationship. A healthy chemistry could provide that safety and security which helps fight loneliness. Sometimes, a trauma bond could also do the same. Having someone by our side might provide a feeling of comfort and security. However, the feeling might come at a cost. There may be constant negotiations around it - one miss and you might end up alone, they may simply walk out. It would be a good place to address this fear of being alone, or of abandonment in therapy, which could help break such a trauma bond.

If you’ve noticed one or more of the above signs and would like to address them, it might be a good idea to seek professional help from our counsellors. Our in-house therapists will help you further identify your needs and triggers, and assist you in replacing trauma-bonding mechanisms with strategies that work for you in the short & long run.